Clubbed/Transcript
Big Coffee (Episode title appears on Andromeda's investigation papers.) Andromeda: So, in conclusion, the moon is actually a giant, psychic brain that controls the stock market. And that is why I don't drink out of cups. (drinks coffee from a ziplock bag with a straw) Tilly: (throws her sundae on the floor) Wow! I'll never drink out of cups again. Cricket: (appears with a mop) Hey! Whyyyyyy?! Tilly: Sorry, Cricket. It's the moon's fault. Cricket: Ugh!! Gloria, can you help me clean this up?! Gloria: (comes out dressed formally) Sorry, Cricket. But I've got places to be. What do you think? Tilly: (astounded) You look like a dazzling flower growing from a bed of rainbows and starlight. Andromeda: Also, your shoes are cuuuuute! Tilly: So, what's the occasion? Gloria: I'm going to That Hot New Nightclub Downtown. There's gonna be music, dancing, no Cricket... Cricket: (mopping, growls) Gloria: And the best part is, all my new friends are gonna be there. It's gonna be the best girls' night ever! Oh, and Cricket, be sure to close up tonight. (tosses him the keys) Cricket: Oh, wh -- (the keys fly into his mouth) Gloria: Latah! (leaves) Cricket: (spits keys out; leaves mumbling) Tilly: A night club? Sounds fun! What should we wear? Andromeda: Us? We're not going. Tilly: Of course we are. Didn't 'cha hear what Gloria said? Andromeda: Wha...? (gasps) (Cut to flashback.) Gloria: All my new friends will be there...friends will be there...fr-iends... (winks) (Flashback ends.) Andromeda: (gasps) SHE MEANT US! Tilly: Of course! That wink was so clear! If we don't go to that nightclub, she will be crushed! Andromeda: Well, all right. Let's go clubbing! Tilly: Yeah! (high fives her) Andromeda: Do you know what a nightclub is? Tilly: Not a clue. Green's House, living room (That night, Bill is on the couch; Cricket enters, groaning tiredly as he strips his hat and apron, climbs onto the couch and thuds onto Bill's lap before rolling over.) Bill: Uh...rough day? Cricket: The WORST! Ugh...you're so lucky you don't have a job. Bill: I...have a job. Cricket: Ugh, I can't even talk about it! I just wanna relax and watch a movie! Bill: (gasps) A MOVIE!? (He quickly gets out a case of DVDs, selects one, and puts it in the player, then gives Cricket some Splish soda.) Cricket: Oh, thank you. So, what are we watchin'? Bill: My all-time favorite movie. It's a classic... (backs away) Constellation Battles! (Title for ''Constellation Battles appears on the TV screen. We see a ship in style of the Millennium Falcon pass a Death Star-like craft, and is shot at by a ship with the head in the shape of someone bearing an uncanny resemblance to Darth Vader.)'' Cricket: Whoa! Cool! Bill: Ha! You think that's cool? Just wait'll the spaceship explodes! It comes outta nowhere! (explosion.) Oh-oh! That was it!! Were you surprised? Cricket: No. You just told me it was gonna happen! Bill: Oh, right. Just got a little excited. It won't happen again. Cricket: (narrows eyes suspiciously) Hmm... That Hot New Nightclub Downtown, interior (Tilly and Andromeda enter, dressed in fancy clothes and wearing makeup and new hairdos. They see various teens partying and having fun.) Tilly: Wow, this place is lovely! And look at all these people! Andromeda: Too bad most of them are vampires. (chuckles; gets a bag of garlic water) Luckily, I brought garlic water. Tilly: (gasps) There she is! (Gloria is hanging with her three friends.) Gloria: Hahaha! Oh, my gosh, Keightlynne, Kaity-Lynn, and Caitlin with a "C", you're! So! Funny! Selfie with my girls! (takes a selfie) Oh my gosh, guys, that was so... (Reveals Tilly and Andromeda photobombed the photo.) Gloria: ...Cute? (lowers phone) Tilly: The party has arrived. Kaity-Lynn: Gloria, do you...know them? Gloria: No, I've never seen them in my life. Do you children need help finding your parents? Tilly: Well, I -- Gloria: No? Okay! Well, just go, then! (she and her friends leave) Tilly: Well, that was weird. Gloria didn't seem to remember who we were. Andromeda: Mmm, I've seen this before, and it's no good. Gloria's got...amnesia. Tilly: Wha-wha-whaaaaaaaaa?!?!? Green's House, living room (''Constellation Battles: The protagonist, Dante Moonhiker, pilots a spacecraft to avoid laser blasts; joining him onboard is Old Man Bobi-1 and Princess Starra.)'' Old Man Bobi-1: Fly, Dante, Fly! Cricket: Wha-look out! Oh, dang, that was close! Whew! Good thing they've got that old guy to guide 'em. He's my favorite character. Bill: Well, don't get too attached. He does not make it to the end. Cricket: (sputters angrily; sounding calm) Father, can we refrain from talking for the rest of the movie to avoid any surprises? Bill: Oh! No problem! Old Daddy-O will keep his lips sealed! Mmm? (pretends to zip his mouth shut) Cricket: Thank you. (In the movie, Old Man Bobi-1 holds a pink crystal.) Old Man Bobi-1: These galaxy crystals possess immense power. Do not let them fall into the wrong hands. (Bill stares at Cricket, anticipatingly.) Old Man Bobi-1 (OS): And Dante, there is one more thing I must tell you. Dante (OS): What is it, Old Man? Cricket: Okay, but when you stare at me like that, I know something's gonna happ -- Dante (OS): Starra, you're my sister?!? Bill: (gasps) Whaaaaaat? Cricket: (frustrated grunt) That Hot New Nightclub Downtown, interior Kaity-Lynn: So then my boss was like, "Yuh-huh," and I was like, "Nuh-uh!" (All laugh; Gloria lets out a loud, yet crazy laugh.) Keightlynne: Girl, you need some water. (They laugh; Tilly and Andromeda watch from across.) Tilly: Andromeda, I think you're right. Our dear, sweet Gloria has lost her memory! Andromeda: I hate being right, I'm just cursed with so much knowledge!!! Tilly: What are we gonna do? Andromeda: Well, we all know that one gets amnesia by getting bonked on the head. So, it only stands to reason that a secondary bonk of equal force will cancel out the initial bonk, and regain her memories! Tilly: Oh, so we've just gotta hit her on the head real hard. Andromeda: Prescicely. (Montage: A record of Bonk Squad's "Don't Forget Me" starts playing. Tilly and Andromeda poke out from the bar and Tilly starts shaking a wine bottle. She aims the opening at Gloria and pops the cork out, but she gets down and it misses, hitting someone else instead.) Woman: Whoa!! Andromeda: Urrrgghh!! (Gloria comes out of the restroom to hear something.) Gloria: Hmm... (Andromeda stands on Tilly's head aside, holding a fire extinguisher; they lose their balance.) Tilly, Andromeda: Whoa...whoa!/Oh...ah! (They fall hard enough to set the extinguisher off.) Tilly, Andromeda: Whoaaaaa!!!/Oh!!! (They crash into something.) Gloria: Hey! (Gloria laughs with her friends; Tilly and Andromeda sit on a beam above, holding the disco ball. They toss it in Gloria's direction, but she ducks enough to miss it and it hits Tilly and Andromeda instead.) Tilly, Andromeda: (gasp; scream) (They end up swinging on it.) Tilly, Andromeda: (more screaming) (It crashes them out of the club.) Andromeda: WHOA!! Bouncer: What the...? (They run back inside; they don't see the bouncer investigating them.) Bouncer: Huh? Green's House, living room (''Constellation Battles: Dante and Starra confront the movie's villain, Dark Star, on the ship.)'' Dark Star: You've only delayed the inevitable. (shows some crystals) Once I find the last galaxy crystal, THE UNIVERSE WILL BE MINE! (Cricket is getting more and more fed up.) Bill: (with Dark Star) "Then all shall tremble before the might of Dark Star!" Huh? Oh! (patting Cricket on the head) One of the best scenes is comin' up! Oh, you're gonna love this!! Cricket: (fake surprise) Ha-ha...I'm sure I will, but I bet I'd enjoy it even more if I had some popcorn? Bill: Ooh! Great idea, son! Be back in a sec! (heads into the kitchen) Cricket: Heh-heh...finally! Bill (OS): Come on, kernels! Pop faster! I'm gonna miss the part where Dante finds out he's secretly a crystal! Cricket: Hmm?!? Dante (OS): Wait -- I was a crystal the whole time!?! Cricket: Hmmmmmm?!?!? (Dante lifts up his bangs to reveal a crystal coming out of his forehead.) Dante: Huh, whaaaaaaaaat!?!? (This was the last straw for Cricket; he jumps off the couch.) Cricket: That's it! Cricket's done! (stomps off) Bill: (comes back with a bowl of popcorn) Oh, did I miss it? Uh...Cricket? That Hot New Nightclub Downtown, interior (The bouncer is searching the club; Tilly and Andromeda watch from a beam overhead.) Tilly: Okay, coast is clear. (In the middle of the dance floor they have a target set up for a trap they've prepared.) Tilly: Let's go over the plan one more time. (Blueprint view of the action as she describes it.) Tilly (VO): Once Gloria's in position, I drop the bowling ball onto the seesaw to activate the lighter, which ignites the birthday candle and burns through this rope. The rope releases the mallet that swings right into the dominoes, which turns on the fan, which activates knife car. Knife car then sails to the end of the platform and knocks the weight off the ledge, triggiering the garden shears to cut the rope, which drops the chandelier, and boom -- mission accomplished. (Back to reality as she finishes.) Andromeda: All right, let's get started. (She gets a fishing pole with something on it and casts her line; Gloria is with her friends again.) Caitlin: So okay, he just doesn't wear shoes? Gloria: Never. Keightlynne: Isn't that like a -- health code violation or something? Gloria: That's what I'm saying! (something taps her shoulder) Huh? (On Andromeda's fishing hook is a poorly drawn coupon reading "1 Free Trip To Paris - For Reals!".) Gloria: Oh, hello. (the line reels in) Uh...I'll be right back! (She jumps and catches the coupon, landing on the target.) Gloria: Gotcha! Like my luck is finally changing. Andromeda (OS): TILLY, NOW! (Tilly drops the bowling ball, setting the trap in action; the lighter begins lighting the candle.) Tilly, Andromeda: Ahh...!!! (The candle starts to burn the rope; it doesn't burn through that much, and it remains full.) Andromeda: Huh. That rope is...stronger than anticipated. Gloria (OS): TILLY GREEN! (She stomps up to them.) Gloria: What are you doing?! Andromeda: Hey...she remembers your name! Tilly: Wait -- you're cured of your amnesia? Gloria: "Amnesia"? That's not even a thing! Andromeda: Oh-ho, that's what they want you to think. Tilly: But earlier, you didn't remember us. Gloria: I was pretending not to recognize you so you wouldn't embarrass me in front of my new friends! And you? I don't even know you! Andromeda: I'm Andromeda. Tilly: But I thought we were also your friends. Gloria: No, you're just annoying little kids! (They hang their heads sadly. Suddenly...) Bouncer (OS): Hey! You three! (approaches them) You need to get out of my club immediately! Gloria: Three? I'm not with them! Bouncer: Nice try, but I think I know a group of friends when I see one. Come on, let's go! (grabs Gloria's arm) Gloria: Oh, you wanna go? Boy, you messed with the wrong -- Exterior, sidewalk (Smash cuts to all three sitting sadly on the sidewalk.) Andromeda: Shoulda went for the shins. They're the eyes of the legs. Bouncer: AND STAY OUT! Tilly: Gloria, I'm sorry we got you kicked out of the club and assumed we were friends. I just -- I thought we got along really well. We really messed up. (Pause.) Gloria: Look, I didn't mean what I said. I was just really hoping this night would go well, and I wanted those girls to like me. I've had a hard time making friends in Big City. Tonight felt like the perfect opportunity to make some. Tilly: Oh Gloria, we were right there with you. This will probably come as a shock, but we also have a hard time makin' friends. Andromeda: (sees a leak in one of her juice bags) Oh, no! My juice is leaking out! (sips from the leak) Gloria: Hmm. Thanks, guys. You're not too bad. (stands) Well, guess I'll head home and take off my remaining shoe. (Tilly and Andromeda smile determinedly and stand.) Andromeda: Gloria, remain in your human form! Tilly: Yeah, we're gonna give you the girls' night you deserve! Green's House, Cricket and Tilly's room (Cricket is playing with a cowboy doll and rock.) Cricket: "Dante, I'm Crystal Man, and...I'm your new cousin? Probably?" Ugh!! Writing is hard! Bill: (enters) Hey, son...? Cricket: You here to somehow spoil this, too? Bill: No, I just came to apologize for ruinin' the movie. I really like that movie, and I wanted you to like it, too. But...it seems I got a little carried away. Cricket: Oh Dad, it was more than a little. So you got a little excited and messed things up for everyone. It's okay! I been there! It's kinda my whole thing! And you know what? That movie was really cool. I'd like to finish watching it with you. Bill: Really? Cricket: Yeah, but under one condition. Living room (''Constellation Battles: The movie ends with a ceremony for Dante, Starra, an alien creature, Gleebor, and a robot made from a futuristic trash can, CDB2.)'' Dante: Thank you for all your help, Gleebor. Gleebor: Gleebor, Gleebor, you're welcome! (He suddenly pulls off his head to reveal Dark Star underneath.) Dark Star: ...My son. (Movie ends; credits show.) Cricket: Wo-ow! What a twist! (Reveals Bill has masking tape over his mouth and giving muffled remarks because of it.) Cricket: Well put, Dad. Well put. That Hot New Nightclub Downtown, exterior (The bouncer is guarding the door in; the three spy on him.) Gloria: There's no way we're getting past that bouncer. Andromeda: Oh, don't worry. I can take him. (shows bling rings reading "UFOS X-IST") Tilly: No, no, no. Gloria: Nope, we're not gonna use those! Tilly: Let's try something a little more...subtle. (takes out a red bouncy ball) Gloria: A bouncy ball? Tilly: Everyone knows bouncers can't resist bouncy balls. It's in the name, after all. (The ball bounces past the bouncer; he sees it.) Bouncer: Hey, you! You're like me! (chases it) We're the same, we're the sa-ame!! Come back here, friend! (The girls sneak back in.) Interior Kaity-Lynn: So then I was like, "That was unexpected! (Keightlynne and Caitlin laugh.) Kaity-Lynn: Am I right, Gloria? (realizes she's gone) It feels so empty without her angelic laugh. (Reveals Gloria laughing next to them; Tilly and Andromeda included.) Gloria: What are we laughing at? What's the joke? Kaity-Lynn: Uh...Gloria, who are you with? Gloria: Hmm? Oh, them? Uh, they're uh... Tilly: Just a couple of kids on their way out. Y'all have a good night. Gloria: Actually, these are my friends, Tilly and Andromeda. And I was thinking they could hang out with us tonight. Bouncer (OS): HEY! (Music suddenly winds to a stop; the bouncer has returned.) Bouncer: I thought I kicked you three out! Tilly: Uh... (All make a hasty retreat; the bouncer chases them.) Bouncer: C'mere! C'MERE! (There's nowhere for them to go now.) Gloria: Ahhhh...!!! Bouncer: (advances forward threateningly) I'm not lettin' any of you three cause any more damage! First, the spilled drinks... (They look up; the rope from the trap has almost completely burned through.) Bouncer (OS): And then the fire extinguisher... (Reveals the bouncer is standing on the target.) Bouncer: And what the -- ?! You painted all over my floor?! (The rope burns through completely, setting off the rest of the trap.) Bouncer (OS): Oh -- oh -- and now you're not even lookin' at me! My eyes are down here! Now you're just bein' rude. (back to him) What are you even lookin' at?! (looks up) Huh? (He gets hit by the falling chandelier.) Bouncer: Ohh... (sits up) Where am I? Who am I? Andromeda: He got amnesia! (to Gloria) Told ya it was a thing. Bouncer: Oh...!! Tilly: (walks up to him and strokes his head) Your name is Valumus Grimmsberry. You're the head snake charmer at the Big City Zoo. Now go on, you don't wanna be late for work. Bouncer: Okay! Thank you! Thank you! (leaves) (Gloria's friends arrive and voice impressed remarks.) Kaity-Lynn: Gloria, your friends are like, super awesome! Tilly: Let's get down on this dance floor!! Andromeda: (holds up juice bags) Drinks on me! (They all dance together and cheer happily.) Category:Episode Transcript Category:Season 2 Transcripts